Question
I have a few questions about Buddhism and meditation. I have been practicing meditation for a few years, but there are a few questions I would like to ask.
~It seems that I cannot part with my ego. Whenever something happens to me while meditating (a hallucination, etc), I get scared and stop the excersize. I feel like I am too grounded in reality. How do I give this up?
~One time while meditating, I came to a point where it was as if my ears were clogged. I couldn't hear anything. This really scared me, so I stopped the excersize. Is this normal, and is this safe? Is meditation safe?
~The ultimate goal of meditation is to escape the cycles of birth and death (correct?) If this is so, once one reaches enlightenment, does their body die? If not, what is it like to walk around in a constant state of enlightenment?
Thank you so much for your time and answers.
~Kristen Sund
Answer
Hi, Kristen.
You are asking some sincere questions. I wish we had a chance to talk about these directly, like on the phone, because then I could ask you more what you mean and it would be a nice dialogue. But I'll try to respond here and if you ever do want to have a discussion, you'd be welcome to call.
You say you can't part with your ego and your examples are having something like a halucination or strange sensation in your ears, which makes you stop your "exercise". First, I wonder what this exerecise is. Do you have some practice such as counting the breath or following the breath or are you holding some image to focus on?
If so, then I can understand why certain things may make you stop that exercise. Maybe the thing that's coming up needs your attention. Personally, I don't focus on anything. There is no practice for me in sitting quietly. It is just being with what is, letting it all reveal itself and unfold without interference, noticing the strong tendency to react immediately to what comes up in the mind and seeing if that tendency can just be put aside so the simple presence can continue.
So if something comes up for you during your meditation, something that scares you, I wonder if you can be with it for a bit before reacting. Of course, if you think it is something that has a real danger right then, then hopefully you will do what you need to protect yourself. But if you are not sure, can you sit with it a while and listen. What is the fear? Can you let it speak to you, to clarify itself? Can you listen to what the body is doing, as well as the mind, as well as the sounds in the air around you and the rising and falling of the breathe? It is all real and is happening right now.
Maybe instead of going back to your exercise, you can just continue to be present without engaging the mind in any particular activity, just allowing whatever pops up in the mind, listening to your whole self, which includes the sounds around you, the feel of the air on the skin, the sensations in the stomach and legs.
Now where is there any ego in this to give up?
You say you are too grounded in reality. If by reality you mean what is really present, what is here and can be felt, seen, touched, tasted, smelled, as well as the space around it all and what moves through the mind and body, then is there any problem in this for you, I wonder? Are you trying to achieve some more ethereal state? To get away from the sensations (as they are not always pleasant)?
You ask if meditation is safe. This is really a good question. If meditation means trying to control or focus the mind, concentrate on something, encourage certain states, then we really have to wonder whether the effect is good or bad. It is very difficult to know how we might be influencing the mind, conditioning it.
But if meditation means being openly with what is, noticing how things really are moment by moment, being in touch sensitively with the nervous system and with space around, how does that sound to you? Does it sound unsafe? Maybe it does, because we are very much unfamiliar with living that way.
You said: The ultimate goal of meditation is to escape the cycles of birth and death (correct?) If this is so, once one reaches enlightenment, does their body die? If not, what is it like to walk around in a constant state of enlightenment?
I wonder what this means to you personally - "escape the cycles of birth and death". Does it mean the pain of life, the physical pain of the body - even fresh new babies cry from the intensity of what their nervous systems are going through - the pains of aging, the loss and sorrow, the ultimate loss through death, either my own or of a loved one?
Isn't pain a fact of life? The Buddha said life is pain. It's the first noble truth, I think. If we look carefully at the pain in our lives, we can discover that there is a simple pain, for example someone I have been close to is not here now and it is harder for my body because that shared energy is not here. That is a simple fact and a factual discomfort. But then there is reaction to this. Why did she leave me? What did I do to deserve this? Why does this always happen to me? How can I get him back? I'll never get her back! How can I get even with him?
In all of this reaction there is a tremendously greater pain - maybe we can call it a suffering - that is set in motion. With it there is eventually an exhaustion in the body and then more reaction. How can I ever get out of this continual reaction, getting wound up, angry, hurt. Maybe I can do an exercise to get rid of it. Maybe I can try this or that.
Is it possible to start to simply notice what is reaction and let it drop. To stay for a moment with what is, simply, without labelling it painful or pleasant. To come back again and again just to the simplicity of what is here, not in order to change things in the future, but rather just because reaction is not helpful. Can you start to find this space of being where reaction can be seen but does not need to take over?
In doing this, does fear come up? Is this safe? Things are happening that I'm not in control of. Actually we're not in control of any of it! That's a very freeing thing. The breathing, the paining, the sound of a distant bird, heaviness of the legs, it is just all here without the need for control or reaction, without knowing where it is all going. And if fear comes up, is it at all possible that some times it can just be felt, watched listened to, gotten familiar with, in not reacting to it. If there is something important there, it can reveal itself in this kind of fresh openness. Reveal itself in a simple, fresh way.
Controlling and reacting are a tremendous burden and yet they are deeply programmed into the mind and come up again and again. Listening carefully, silently, timelessly, we can wonder if all of this struggle to protect and defend can drop away into simple being. Is this a dying, not physically, but in a different way? A dying to what is not really necessary. What's left is this simple world around us and of us, alive and undivided, timeless and goalless, complete in itself.
Simple awareness is a moment to moment thing. It is not a permanent thing for us. It happens on its own when something else drops. It seems to disappear when the mind is wrapped up in reaction, defense and suffering. In simple awareness there is no goal, no problem of dying or being born, no problem with pain or pleasure. There is an appropriate moving with things and events. In the reactive mind there are endless, impossible goals demanding endless effort, striving and suffering, endless complication, confusion and fear and every reaction is inappropriate and causes more trouble.
Can you simply begin to notice how the mind is for you as you sit quietly. Can you sometimes, a little, let it all unfold and don't worry about your future, about escaping the complications of birth and death. Presence is simple.
If you find that this seems impossible, don't despair. Even when the mind is completely embroiled in reaction, this is not all there is. Stick with it quietly, sitting in the eye of the hurricane, a space of quiet within the turmoil that you may find yourself in.
I think I'll stop here. I hope I haven't thrown too much at you. Please write back with any comments, questions. If I was not clear about something, please ask me about it. You can write here to the allexpert site or email me directly at jcutts@swcp.com. Put the word meditation in the subject line.
If you'd like to talk on the phone, let me know and we can make arrangements.
Best wishes to you.
Jay Cutts
