Question
Hi,
I'm a 22yr old gal...
I have read many times that You decide to be happy.I just wanted to ask how can u do the same if u r in a relationship...
I have been into the same since 3 yrs...we started as Best friends...and no doubt We love each other a LOT. But as it does happen...with time there comes a situation oftenly when ur mood gets spoiled.....n I want to learn what n how shud I deal with it so that even I can remain happy....
Can u tell smthng to start meditation for a beginner...I'm keen to learn but yet to implement.
Regards
NN
Answer
Hi, NN.
What you say is interesting. You talk about the idea that a person could keep themself happy by just deciding to hold on to a happy mood. And as you say, this doesn't really seem to work, even for oneself, but especially in relation to other people.
As you say, we effect each other's moods. Trying to stop this would be like trying to make the weather always sunny and warm.
You ask if there is some way to learn to remain happy. Well, let's consider what happens when someone's mood is spoiled. I'm looking at myself and you can look at yourself as we consider this. Suppose you've been in a wonderful mood and then you come in the house and your partner says something critical to you, maybe that you did something wrong or that you don't look right.
What happens? Actually, I want to stop here for a minute and say that it might be important to just ask this question when this happens. To keep an eye on what is happening, how am I reacting, what is going on in me that makes things suddenly uncomfortable or even painful?
I think in this way we can discover some interesting things about ourselves that we didn't notice before. First, you might notice that your whole body and mind have an immediate strong reaction to the other person's words (or their look, etc.) You might not even notice this until later because that reaction of being angry, hurt, protecting yourself and on top of all of that being angry that you are not happy any more, that whole reaction is so strong that you are carried away by it and don't even notice that's what was going on until later.
Noticing this kind of reaction doesn't mean that it will go away, at least at first, but noticing it is something new and fresh. And there is a kind of joy in noticing something that hasn't been seen clearly before. Even if it is a small joy.
What I described is just the beginning of noticing how we react to each other in ways that are not often really helpful. The reaction just happens. Sometimes it's clear that I didn't even want that reaction to happen. It just did by itself. That's the nature of these blind reactions that we live much of our life through. So starting to notice this is a very good start. The noticing - which has some space and freedom to it - is already a different, fresh energy.
This is really the heart and soul of meditative work. When possible to be with this energy of just letting things be revealed that are happening inside and outside. Sometimes to sit quietly and to let yourself feel and hear what you are inside - the thoughts, the feelings - without trying to change or judge them. Just let it all speak. And at the same time to also be able to hear and feel what is around you - the sounds, the wind, the feel of the body.
I think we all have a strong habit of reacting against how we are at a certain time. I want to be happier than I am now, or I want to be more loving than I am now, or more assertive than I am now. It's true that we want change for the better. But I think the greatest, most radical change is to let go of wanting something different right now so that I can really, really feel and experience what I really am right now. There is a reason why I am what I am now. It doesn't really help to want it to be different but it does really help to listen to it right now, to know it intimately. Out of this change may or may not happen. If it does, it happens on its own, simply and somewhat mysteriously, almost miraculously because we don't know how it happens. And there is a joy and happiness in this kind of natural change.
Your question is a very deep one and there is much to explore about it. I hope this is a start. I would like to hear how this seems to you and what happens as you explore this. Please feel free to write back here or you can write me at my personal email address at jcutts@cuttsreviews.com. If you do, please put the word "meditation" in the subject so my spam filters don't eat it.
Best wishes,
Jay Cutts
