Question
DEAR JAY
last night my brotherinlaw died a horrible death';';;'he had a lung aneurysm and bled to death smothering in his own blood while my sister watched and tried couragiously to help him ';;'he went into a coma thank god';;'but my question JAY
was Teddy aware of the smothering ? by the sound of the reports he certainly was ;;';how does one console them selves with knowing that people are dying in fear and terror
how do i explain to my sister that Teddy was okay';;';' that he was not there when she has the memory of his eyes playing over and over in her head;;how do i stop the thoughts that this could happen to anyone of us and yet people walk around oblivious to the fact that death is usually pretty terrifying for the person dying and the people present;';'what can one say to someone who suffers from extreme panic attackes and the terror reigns supreme
can you help me or suggest a link i can go to ';;'i have a library of books on nde's and reincarnation, soul,. spirit., after death ohh the list goes on but not one of these books touch on the fact that so many peaple are so scared of death and that very fear is stopping them from living freely;';i know,,, for i suffer from agoraphobia brought on from my irrational fear of death;';';'not after death but the actual death experience
i pray you may be able to answer these questions and lead me to an idea or a suggestion that may be able to help me and my darling sister come to terms with this horrid death of a loved one who was the bright light that shone in our lives';';;he is gone';'; but to where and how bad did he suffer and why did he have to suffer so?
kind regards helen(star)
Answer
Dear Helen,
I'm sorry to hear about your very painful experience and loss of your brother in law under such difficult circumstances.
Let me consider what you are communicating and what your concerns are.
One of your points that strikes me is that you would "ideally" like to tell your sister that Teddy did not suffer, but in fact it seems that he did. You would like to say that it will be ok because of whatever philosophies about reincarnation, after life, souls, etc. but in fact you are observing accurately that it is not ok.
This is a good place to start. No amount of philosophy or wishful thinking can really touch actual fear.
You are compassionately concerned about Teddy's suffering and about your sister's suffering. However, the best place we can really start to shed light on this life dominated by fear is right here in ourselves, in myself.
It sounds from what you say that the expression of fear is a very deeply ingrained pattern in your life. Amazingly, some people are not much bothered by fear but may be dominated by other patterns, like feeling isolated or anger or depression. Most of us most of the time are dominated by preset patterns, aren't we, but the nature of those patterns varies from person to person, depending on how the nervous system becomes conditioned, based on our experiences and myriad unknown influences.
How can you start to work with this fear and it's emotional and physical expressions in your life and your body? I'm reading a book now called Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, who is a professional dealing with trauma. You might find it interesting. He has various exercises for beginning to heal from trauma. It is very practical.
From a meditative perspective, can you sit still with yourself and allow the possibility of being able to hear and feel what is happening inside and outside? Right now you may find the mind reeling with thoughts and anxiety, with questions and fears, with wondering what to do and where to turn. Or maybe not. Sometimes in the face of a situation that can't possibly be solved by more thinking, the mind opens into a "not knowing", in which there is quiet, alert listening and presence, a sincere interest without any movement of the mind, just presence.
So sitting down comfortably so the body can become quiet a little, can there be an interested listening to whatever happens to be? If there is a lot of mental turmoil, can you maybe notice that that is not all there is. There is also the feeling of the body, the sensations coming to the skin, the feel of the warm air, the sound of the fan, the bright light radiating into the room, maybe the sound of other people.
If the mind/body is in a complete panic, there may be very little sensitivity in the body, just tightness and pain. Can you notice the relationship of the thoughts to the sensitivity of the body and senses? That panicking thoughts cut off the bodily sensation, constrict it?
If there are panicky thoughts, can you watch to see what keeps them going? If they begin to get tired or want to stop, is there some other thought that kicks them back up again? Is there a tiny gap sometimes in the seemingly endless stream of panicky thought? And, importantly, what else is there besides the thinking? Can you notice the thinking and at the same time be in touch with the air around you, the movement of the breath, the feel of the body, the sounds coming and going?
There is a tremendous amount that can be discovered about fear and how it affects the body. When this discovery happens at a very deep, open, intuitive level, a natural intelligence teaches the body/mind how to take care of itself in a healthier way. This learning is at an intuitive, in a way effortless, level. It comes from some place other than the thoughts themselves, from this open space of listening that includes the feel of the body, the incoming and outgoing of breath, the hum of the fan. Is it possible at all to live in the open space of present listening, which sheds light on thoughts and thought patterns and illuminates what our life is at this moment of being alive.
Because we usually live only in our limited thinking and the constrictions of the body that go along with it and the fears and anxieties always checking in to see if something terrible is about to happen, we have very little sense of what our life in its simplicity really is. Quiet meditative sitting allows the possibility of entering into this quiet, open space of presence in which the body and mind can take on a more natural being. We are afraid to die, to lose this life, to experience pain, but do we really know what our life is in its simplest form?
We - and I do mean most of us - are afraid that painful circumstances will trigger painful reactions that will multiply the pain. We remember it happening and fear it will happen again. The nature of the thinking mind is reaction - an old, predictable and usually painful reaction to a feared stimulus. But the nature of the open mind, ie. a mind not dominated by thinking, is to respond creatively, freshly and appropriately. When this happens, the powerful habits of reaction actually weaken, neurologically speaking.
All we can do is to find this space of open listening and begin to live in it, at least for moments. A moment of open presence is complete in itself, timeless, deathless, fearless - just the in and out of breath, the quietness of the night, the soft presence of air, the dull sensation in the legs. And perhaps the flash of a fearful thought through the mind, coming and going like a little lightning bug. And always simple, undefinable presence.
The minute anxious thought takes hold there is time and fear and death. We live in one of these two worlds or the other. Can you begin to discover this?
In openness there is "not knowing". We don't know what we will do the next minute. We don't know how we will respond to pain or to death. But in living in this openness, we begin to learn and trust that there is a possibility of a fresh response, something different from what we expected or feared.
When I was about 16, a fire started in the basement of our house. I came down to the first floor and found my parents in a panic. I went to the phone, called the operator to report the fire and then went outside, got the garden hose, broke a basement window (which was fun!) and sprayed the fire. By the time the firemen came, the fire was out. I don't think my heart rate even went up.
When such a moment of fresh response happens, there is no fear because there is no center of self-concern afraid for its existence. Instead there is the free expression of life itself energizing the body/mind, not fixed anywhere, not belonging to anyone, ever fresh, silent and still, even as birth, dying and death happen within it.
You might raise the question for yourself, "Can there be fear without a "me" to be afraid for?" and sit quietly, alertly, listening and wondering silently into this open presence. Some day the question will be resolved for you.
It's possible that a lot of what I've written may not be expressed clearly enough or that I haven't used vocabulary that makes sense to you. Please, please feel free to write back to ask me to clarify or to raise your own questions or objections. This is the best way to begin to communicate with each other, which is a slow, careful process.
You can write back to me at the allexpert site. If you'd like, we could also talk on the phone. It might be more direct. Let me know.
Do take care.
Best wishes,
Jay Cutts
