Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Fear and Grief

Question
Hi Jay. I hope your doing fine. I continue to meditate regularly. Although the last two weeks have been very painful, so much that i am now only meditating about 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening. What has been coming up is Fear, but mostly grief.  


Answer
Hi, Osvaldo.



It's nice to hear from you.  I have been considering recently these powerful reaction circuits such as fear and grief, so let's take a look at these.



First, what do we mean by grief.  I don't know exactly how you are using the word but it usually means a sadness, a sorrow, which often has behind it the loss of something or someone or the inability to get or do something that seems important.  It may be something specific that is lost or unattainable or it may be more general, even a feeling of hopelessness of being able to do anything about one's life.



If the nervous system is completely in the grip of this reaction that we are calling grief, then there is very little if any awareness of what is going on.  Instead there is just a depression of the energies or the ongoing thinking in circles over and over of how hopeless I am or how unfair things are.



If there is a little bit of awareness around this process, a little bit of letting go of the self pity or self loathing, then there starts to be a little more noticing of the thinking in circles, of the self-destructive quality of the thoughts.  And yet it still goes on or it quiets down but then comes back.  There may seem to be a battle between the habit of wanting to wallow in pity or sorrow and the interest in being with what is going on without falling into it.  It often seems like the energy of falling into the reaction is so strong and the energy of staying with what's happening is so feeble or tentative.



What to do?  First of all, not to assume that the energy of presence will be feeble the next moment just because it seems feeble this moment. When there is a serious need to be present with what is going on, the energy for that may suddenly be here on its own.  It finds its own way through us.



When we've seen the same reaction patterns so many times, have seen how destructive they are, how unhelpful, how they close in on themselves and make themselves stronger through repetition and reinformcement, is there not a strong interest in finding out if it is possible to be open to this entire reaction pattern without - for a moment at a time - falling into it?



Part of this being open to the reaction is wondering what this really is if I don't call it grief, don't even call it a reaction.  What is really happening that is observable if I don't move away from the storm and don't fall into the storm.  The falling into the reaction really is a moving away from presence, isn't it?  "I'm too tired to stick with this.  It's too hard." and then soon the old thoughts are going around and around again, digging themselves in deeper.



This interplay back and forth between falling into reaction and the energy arising to really be with an old pattern in a new way is how we live most of the time.  But if there is a very strong interest, the energy may come to just sit with this thing no matter what, with no regard for time, for results.  Just presence that allows the whole panorama to reveal itself.



This deep interest that we are talking about may take the form of questions - what is this hurricane if I don't call it anything -  what is it that I've never seen about this before, even in all the years it has been a plague - what is it that kicks this reaction back in again just when it is slowing down - what is it that I think I'm trying to protect or defend or maintain?  For each of us the questions may be different moment to moment.  They are a conscious expression of this interest and change as the reality of what is going on unfolds.  The questions bring with them additional energy of interest.  Once they are raised, the questions can then drift into the background and let the interest in sticking with what is going continue, observing with one's whole being.



A good question may be "What is this thing of a pattern revealing itself?  For all of my trying to work with these things, I've never in my life seen a pattern revealed thoroughly.  All I've seen is wrestling back and forth, falling into the old gloom, getting a bit of perspective for a moment, falling back into it with more or less intensity.  I've dreamt of being cured of the reaction, of being rid of it, but that's done little good.  If there is such a thing as being able to be with a reaction in a new, fresh way, thoroughly without falling into it, it must be possible for me to find out about it."



This being with something is not an act of tolerating it, riding it out, toughing it out.  It is an interest, an openness, a sensing with subtlety and in total stillness while the comings and goings of the mind and body and nervous system reveal themselves.  You may discover that this alert presence, this stillness, is not tainted or diminished by any of what is going on.  This presence reveals not only what is happening inside us but also what is happening in the world all around.  Presence itself is the opposite of the self-enclosure that is at the core of reactive habits.  In presence with what is here, it is clear that the image of a person who I miss is only an image and that bringing it up again and again only moves away from the simplicity and fullness of what is here.  That's all.  That is seeing it through and through as an image, a fragmented mental picture that is not an accurate representation of the person themself.



Maybe this is enough for now.  Please write back and ask about things that I may not have been very clear about.



Best,



Jay