Question
Hi,
I would like to hear your thoughts on how one can integrate a meditative attitude with a demanding and stressful environment (job, relations etc).
Answer
Hi, Aage.
Your question is interesting. Let's consider together where your question is coming from, what experience it is based on.
It's possible that a "meditative attitude" is associated for you with a certain quietness. You may find that in interacting with other people this quietness cannot be maintained, that it seems to be disturbed or destroyed by talking and interacting. I don't know, of course, exactly how it is for you - you will have to examine that for yourself - but I do relate to what I've described.
In other words, if I get up from a half hour or an hour of quiet sitting and then start interacting with someone, I find that the quietness that the body and mind had settled into can't be sustained in the same way. In order to meet the new situation, the body/mind needs to move and act in a more active way. There can be a great resistance to this - a feeling that I prefer to be in quietness and don't like being forced by others to have to break that quietness. I may put up with it because I have to, but there may be resentment the whole time or perhaps an attitude that these other people don't understand quietness. From this standpoint we can say that it is not possible to integrate a "sitting" body/mind attitude with interaction. They are two different postures or activities of the body/mind. In other words, the idea of "integrating" may be off from the very beginning if it means trying to resist the activeness required by social interaction.
So then how does one meet social interaction in a "meditative" way? What does this question mean? What is the "usual" non-meditative way and what's wrong with it? What's missing? This might be a good question to just end with here so that, rather than coming up with an answer or explanation or technique, it can be examined as it happens in our lives. It might be enough just to watch these interactions and inquire what is going on. Where is the problem? Why am I concerned about the stressful work and social interactions with other people?
In any social situation if one wonders what is going on, if one is aware of the history - the strong knot of memories - of interacting with people, then one can start to listen and observe with undefended honesty and interest as interactions are unfolding. There can start to be conscious awareness of the posturing that we do with each other and that the posturing (taking on a certain role) is based on fear - fear of how the other person will see us, fear of losing that person's affection or financial support if they don't like what we do. All of this can start to be seen consciously instead of just happening blindly. We can also start to see what is motivating the other person - the roles they are taking on also out of their own fears. And we can start to see the reactiveness - the instant and blind reactions that are triggered automatically by certain events - and how these reactions usually cause more pain and difficulty because they are usually not appropriate and because one reaction usually causes another reaction, which causes another and on and on, creating more pain and anxiety between people.
All of this dynamic - which is going on all the time anyway - can start to be seen if there is some interest and some realization that the usual way of "interacting" has something wrong about it that we haven't carefully seen.
In fact our usual "interaction" is really more "reaction" - blind, inappropriate, pain producing and creating of more reaction. In being really interested in what is going on, there is the beginning of real interaction, real communication. It doesn't matter what the mind state of the other person is. If there has come into being a serious interest in all of these dynamics between people, then there can be this open, honest listening that sheds light on what is happening in "me" and what is happening in the other person. When this happens, there is much less possibility of falling into reaction, even if the other person is themselves caught in reaction, because the urge to react is seen as it comes up and the interest stays with seeing. When reacting takes over, there is no more seeing. So interest stays with seeing and does not go into reacting. In this seemingly small way, the root of suffering in human beings is broken in that instant.
It is probably inevitable that even with a sincere interest in seeing the dynamics of interaction and reaction within oneself and others, that there will be frequent falling into reaction. There is no need to feel bad about this. It is the only way we can learn.
Is it possible to find a level of honesty, a level of having nothing that needs to be defended, a level of openness and transparency to oneself and to others that allows anything that comes up to be seen and felt and heard? Usually this level of openness is not operating but the difficulty of interacting with others actually requires it. In a way, interaction rips open our self-enclosure against our will.
I will stop here. It's possible that I haven't understood what you were asking exactly or that I haven't been very clear about what I was trying to see, so please feel free to write back and explain more or ask me to explain what I meant.
Best wishes,
Jay Cutts
