Question
Thanks for your answer, I still have something to ask you though;
My motivation, or goal with all this, is first of all to be able to be aware of all the negative thoughts that I am having, I' ve red that if you are aware of them, they don't have the same impact, or any impact at all.
So what I'm trying to find out, is how to watch these thoughts, how to be aware of them. Sometimes when I try to do it, I just end up confused / frustrated, because I can never find my thoughts / be aware of them. It' s like im always looking for their location, exactly where they are, but often fail to do it and instead Im lost in my thoughts and unaware.
So i' ve been looking for that EXACT method on how to be aware of your thoughts to any time, and to find out what I am doing wrong when I don't seem to find any. When I try to be aware of my thoughts, but can't, and I am instead lost in them, what would I be doing wrong?
To be aware of your thoughts would mean to let go of focusing, and let your awareness expand so you could be aware of them?, but how would you let go of focusing, and how would you know it?
Answer
Hi, John.
These are good questions you are raising. Ultimately I would say from my own experience that we need to find out for ourselves, each of us, how to relate to the internal thoughts. This takes us into a place which feels very uncertain because, unlike almost everything else in our lives, there is very little, if any, advice that really applies. It is a movement into the unknown and, in some ways, the unknowable. This is a good thing. It brings us directly in touch with ourselves and with life, without the filter of knowing. This the only way that light can be shed on all of what we know.
Even though we have to do this ourselves, it can be helpful to communicate together, as you and I are doing. So, we can start with identifying the assumptions that you are starting from. Maybe we can't identify all of these assumptions but you can recognize them, maybe, when you feel that you should be doing something a certain way or that you should be doing anything at all about the negative thoughts. You may not know if you should or shouldn't do anything about the negative thoughts but you can certainly experiment with what happens if you drop that assumption. What happens if you sit meditatively and assume that you don't have to do anything about negative thoughts?
There is freedom in this kind of experimenting. And the truth is that we don't know if we should or shouldn't.
You've tried alot relating to the negative thoughts in a certain way - trying to "watch" them, whatever that has meant to you - and it has just been frustrating. So you can drop that way and see what else comes up.
I think that in feeling that something is a problem, eg., negative thoughts, it is very helpful to start with questioning whether it is a problem at all. Maybe it's clear that it causes exhaustion or tiredness or heavy feelings. That's an observable fact and it is pretty clear that that is not pleasant or helpful or maybe even not healthy. But how does one relate to the negative thoughts that do come up? Perhaps if you patiently listen to yourself as negative thoughts are running - or when there are no negative thoughts - and listen to your deeper intuitions, you may get a sense of how to experiment relating to these thoughts.
If a pattern of negative thought lets itself be seen/felt clearly, fine. If it doesn't, then you can't force it, can you? So you can learn from the thought patterns themselves.
I would say personally that if you are interested in these negative thoughts - what they think they are doing, what they think they are protecting, how they hide themselves, how they reveal themselves, what they really want - if you really become interested and watch the whole process of thinking - when it is visible - you will find that there is nothing negative about it at its very heart. I'm not sure if that's a clear way to say it. Maybe another way to say what I'm trying to say is that when I carefully learn about some pattern that is difficult or negative for me, in its deepest heart there is absolutely nothing about it that needs to be gotten rid of or prevented. When a pattern has been explored, observed, felt, let come out into the light, that opening up itself, allows it to rearrange itself in mysterious ways that end up with healthier energy. We don't need to interfere consciously.
Maybe this is what you have been trying to do but you have been hoping to "catch" the thought and hold onto it, so you can do something. I have found that even very deep thought patterns, when they come out into the light, often do so in a single instant, and then they are gone. Maybe you can try trusting that, for now, for this moment, that is enough.
You say that you get lost in thoughts. Check this out carefully. If I am lost in thoughts, I am not aware of it. At a certain moment, the thought breaks open and there is a moment of waking up from the daydreaming. In that instant it is clear that there was daydreaming. Then, unnoticeably, the dreaming starts again at some point. I have never been able to see the moment in which daydreaming starts again, only the moment of waking up.
I can say from personal experience not to worry if you notice there had been daydreaming. I think the brain needs to do this when it is overwhelmed. When it has done it enough, it will stop, until we have overburdened it again. Maybe you think you should have been "battling" your negative thoughts instead of daydreaming. I wouldn't worry about it. In order to reveal anything, the mind needs to be rested and daydreaming is a way it clears thoughts out. You don't have to take my word for it, but you can experiment with it.
You ask how you would know if you have let go of focusing? Maybe you don't need to know. The mind is doing all kinds of focusing all the time, on its own. It doesn't matter whether it is or isn't. Usually our interest, our attention is almost completely on the state of mind, the thoughts and managing our thoughts and actions. This has its function but it is limited. Can the interest shift from the states of mind and doing something about them to something that is much simpler and more real - simple awareness of what is here. This includes hearing, feeling, body sense, smell, air on skin, light and dark. It also includes the mind but in a different function from usual. It includes the mind functioning as receptive to the environment, inside and out. To be receptive, the mind learns not to react. It has forgotten how to do this and needs to relearn through practice of doing it. It is sometimes difficult because we want to know how to do it, but it is a letting go of knowing.
Let's come back to your "goal". You experience a lot of negative thinking and this has a negative effect on you. There is some clarity that this is not healthy, for yourself or others around you. This doesn't need to be questioned. You have probably experienced the feeling that these thoughts actually have control over you. You have read that being aware of the thoughts can help reduce or eliminate their impact.
I would say that this is true. What does this mean, then, to be aware of them? Maybe this is most useful in normal life, rather than in meditation time. Something triggers a whole set of negative thinking - maybe what someone says or how they look at you or something you do that you fail at. What usually happens? The thoughts seem to go around and around in a very tight way, meaning there is no space to get any perspective, maybe. Maybe before I know it, I have reacted in some way, like kicking something, or yelling at someone, or getting angry, or running out of the house. If someone were to say to you then, try to be aware of the thoughts, you might shout something nasty at them.
Maybe the thought would come up "I really would like to know what's going on here" in the middle of it. If you then have the thought, "I should watch my thoughts", you might well find it's impossible. The thoughts may be like a huge hurricane or storm, like a maelstrom. Or trying to watch a thought might just make it disappear. So here is where you can give up knowing what to do and listen to the situation itself. Sort of asking the situation, the thoughts, what they need to have done.
It may be very helpful in this kind of moment to notice that the storm of thoughts is not all there is. What else is there? This, I think, is really important and helpful. The feet on the floor, the presence of another person, the sensations pounding the body, the air on the skin, the sound of a bird singing. You can notice how the negative thinking may want to shut all of that out. It may want to be the only thing that's heard. It may be afraid that you will forget it if you pay too much attention to what is really hearable and feelable. It may say "What use is hearing a damn bird? Here's what's important: you're no good!" But that can be questioned.
I don't want to go too much further with this but does this give you some fresh sense of what awareness might be when there are negative thoughts going on?
I'll be glad to hear back from you on this.
Best,
Jay
